Friday, April 04, 2008


Not yet awake, I read my girlfriend's message from half a world away. She says to hold on buying the airplane tickets, she doesn't know if she'll come in July. I let the cellphone go at the unpleasant thought and crawl back in bed. Another few minutes of blissful ignorance.

The alarm rings again. The efficiency of bitwise operations and doubts about why she's not coming stir my mind and I rise from bed. I wash my face - I usually like the warm water, but this time I'm too stressed out to enjoy it for more than a few seconds. That's not how anyone should start their day.

I think of having a cup of coffee and feel slightly better. I go to the kitchen and repeat the same mechanical procedure of every morning. Clean up the coffee machine, replace the filter and fill it with water and coffee. I like the smell of coffee. I turn the machine on and come back to my room.

I turn the computer on. While I wait for it to start, I wonder how one would find permanent happiness. Avoiding love doesn't seem to make me happy, but falling in love has its pitfalls too. I think about how I'm extremely sensitive to news concerning her. Can I find true peace of mind? I feel like talking about it with my good friend, but then she might be busy and oh well... We've had that talk before, and we both know that the Buddhists have a point. Desire and attachment may lead to suffering. So, there I have it. I knew it, I chose it.

I type in my password, wait for the numerous useless applications finish starting up. I try to call her, the line is busy, or so my VoIP application says. I feel frustrated, I see the gray sky outside. I grab my coffee and sit down to write.

I call her again. This time it works. She's at work, waiting for a late patient. She tells me her father isn't too happy about the long distance relationship, about his little girl coming to a foreign country to spend time with a stranger. Sort of understandable, I guess, but not ideal. What's ideal, anyways? She's a bit upset about the situation, but wants to come. We want to see each other. We need to see each other. She says she'll come. Life is good again.

A half drunk cup of coffee is left on my desk. No need to finish it, I'm fully awake now. The day has begun.

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